Feline Superiority
by lilemmy
Summary: MP oneshot. Feline rebuttal to all those dog perspective fics out there.  Because we all know cats are far superior to dogs anyway.


Feline Superiority: Observations and Conclusions on One Fanny Price

By Lilemmy

Disclaimer: I own Heloise and this story. Everything else is dear JA's.

Note: Published with the express permission of Heloise. Pug was unavailable for comment (tail chasing).

It is a truth universally acknowledged by all sensible beings that dogs are such silly creatures, pathetic in their own self-delusion. They think because they slobber all over a human it automatically gives them the right to comment on said human's life and personality.

We felines are not so presumptuous. True, the observational, cognitive, and analytical abilities of the average house cat are undeniably superior to those of canines, but it is not this alone which marks our superiority. No, it is the fact that felines, unlike the less hygienic methods employed by canines, do not make our judgments until after thorough investigation.

For the average dog, a sniff-lick-sniff method seems to be preferred. First, sniff the intended human from the front. If the human is found to be acceptable, proceed to lick some area of exposed skin, the closer to the face the better, it would seem. Finally, attempt to sniff the human from behind. This last stage can be tricky as most humans are not as fond of having noses stuck in their posteriors as dogs would think. Then again, only dogs _would_ think a nose in the behind is acceptable. Bathing purposes do not count.

For the average feline, all senses are employed in human evaluation. First is sight, often in conjunction with sound. The feline, thanks to its highly developed athleticism, is an expert at observing humans from the least likely of places. Sometimes it can be as obvious as the mistress' lap. At others it can be as secretive as behind a bush or on top of a shelf. Regardless of the vantage point, the feline does not approach the chosen human until after full visual and audio observational analysis has been complete.

It is then time to employ both scent and touch. The feline nose, though less trained than the canine one, is still infinitely superior to that of the target species. As the feline approaches the marked human, it begins a process of scent-data-analysis which only builds the closer one gets. Once reaching the human, the scent data is combined with the touch data. The humans think we are being "friendly", but in truth rubbing against a human's leg can be very effective. Of course, if a nice long stroke or scratch under the chin is offered it only aids in the process. The purring is simply to reassure the human and redirect their attention…really. Besides, how a human verbally responds to such "friendly" actions can also be quite telling.

The taste-data-analysis occurs after Human Contact. Naturally, being creatures of the utmost standards in hygiene, the feline will proceed to cleanse the fur of any contamination which prolonged contact with the human may bring. It is in the process of such bathing that taste data is collected,_ not_ through excessive licking.

The last and final sense is one which only cats seem capable of properly employing. I believe humans refer to it as a type of "sixth sense." Regardless of nomenclature, this mysterious "sixth sense" is one which, regrettably, I am unable to detail here. Let us just say that it is one part intuition, one part data analysis, and one part instinct.

Now that feline/canine methodology has been explained, let us move onto a case study: Observations and Conclusions of One Fanny Price, Human, by One Pug, Dog, and One Heloise, Cat. The human, Miss Fanny Price, is the niece of our mistress, Lady Bertram. The dog, so aptly named Pug, is a lap dog of the most literal and figurative kind. Having wasted many of her years on the lap of Mistress Lady Bertram, the dog has had, in years past, many opportunities to initiate the sniff-lick-sniff ritual. However, equally due to her sedentary lifestyle, Pug neglected to initiate such crucial data gathering until much later. The cat, Heloise as I shall hereafter name, is a pet of one of the younger females in the family, a Miss Julia.

When Pug did eventually initiate the sniff-lick-sniff analysis, her conclusions were, roughly translated, as follows:

Missy Quiet smells good.

Missy Quiet tastes nice.

Missy Quiet laughs when you chase her tail.

Missy Quiet is a friend.

Rather simplistic, but not altogether a failure.

Heloise was not as reticent in her analytical duties as Pug. In a matter of mere hours a full sensory processing of gathered data had already led Heloise to the following conclusions, which were only strengthened over time:

Miss Fanny Price is a kind-hearted if somewhat judgmental soul, often too shy and uncertain to share her opinions. The entity Aunt Norris has much to do with the latter.

Miss Fanny Price has an unusually strong attachment to Young Edmund. This attachment, the natural result of Young Edmund's solicitousness, has continued to grow until eventually said attachment may turn romantic in nature. (Later events proved Heloise to be quite accurate in her hypothesis.)

Miss Fanny Price has a natural talent for reaching that one spot underneath the left ear and scratching it_just so_. Clearly this is an indication of her more than adequate observational skills and attention to the pleasure of others. (Heloise, in her tireless pursuit of data, continues to thoroughly test this, never fear.)

Miss Fanny Price has a superior moral understanding, more so thanmany of the other humans under observation.

On nights where fish is served at meal, Miss Fanny Price, in support of Item 3, can usually be relied upon to drop certain tidbits for the hard-working feline or even the undeserving dog.

Item 5 can be disregarded if the entity Aunt Norris is within proximity of Miss Fanny Price.

Recently, however, there have been two new additions to the neighborhood, a Mr. Crawford and his sister, Miss Mary. Whilst their influence upon the character study of Miss Fanny Price has yet to be fully determined, I shall include a brief summation of both Pug and Heloise's initial analyses thus far:

With regards to Mr. Crawford,

Pug: "Bad smell! Missy Quiet is better."

Heloise: "Questionable morality and an excessive use of unnatural scents. The female humans, Miss Fanny Price being the exception, seem to find him pleasing. More analysis required as to his effects upon her station."

With regards to Miss Mary,

Pug: "Ear rubs!"

Heloise: "Morality is similar to the brother's, but with results less malevolent. I cannot help but admire her technique with Young Edmund. Adverse affect on Miss Fanny Price."

Of course, no case study can be truly complete without suitable commentary regarding one whose name has appeared repeatedly in our analysis, the entity Aunt Norris:

With regards to Aunt Norris,

Pug: "Grr…"

Heloise: "Surprisingly, I can find little more to add to Pug's unusual eloquence."

In conclusion, and as this case study most assuredly illustrates, the observational abilities of the feline are vastly superior and generally more comprehensive than those of our canine associates. It is the hope of the author and all feline companions everywhere that this study will be of use to those humans searching for a differing perspective on any series of events. The canine perspective may, I allow, be simpler to deduce, but honestly, what can compare to the well-researched and well-thought feline perception! The purring is simply a bonus.


End file.
